WaTAAH!

Soo .. its been a while since I've last scribbled visual ambrosia for you discerning audience member/s. The Russian and American remain masked behind their self-indulgent cultural synecdoches of "I do what I want
!!!" and "I'm Boris, I'm invincible!!!" ... though I can only wonder how long they will continue to draw shame upon their countries before they capitulate under the weight of their own dishonor and lethargy.

In the mean time, I will dish out another variant to the timeless debate of our times: The GOAT of Fighting. Let us again feast upon our menagerie of neurotic male egos and throw a mound of rice upon the victor.

Here are some arbitrarily selected prime candidates, all who also happen to be actors for some reason:

1. Bruce Lee
Born: 1940, San Francisco
Martial arts styles: Jun Fan Gung Fu, Wing Chun, Wu style Tai Chi Chuan, Jeet Kune Do (engendered his own craft, general can of ass-whooping

Why he's a mythological stud:
1. Why u know words like Kung Fu, WaTAAH!, and Asians in general
2. One manzn god-of-war:
a. 1-inch punch that can kill (ala Kill Bill 2),
b. One-finger pushups,
c. Considered pound-for-pound not only one of the greatest fighters of all time, but also one of the strongest men of all time (I suggest u research this, crazy stuff).
d. His side-kick has the same destructive force as 30 mph car crash.
3. Mentored another GOAT: CHUCK NORRIS!
4. So good at Azn fighting, he married a white chick to compensate. Yin Yang.
5. He has the same last name as your Azn correspondent.




2. Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris
Born: Alabama, 1940
Martial arts styles: Karate, Tang Soo Do, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and Chun Kuk Do (his own).

I think its futile to bring up the commandments of Chuck Norris. The following video chronicles that even the Chuck Norris mythos fails in comparison to a living Nirvanic tribunal.



Lee decreed you unworthy, Chuck.


3. Jet Li

Born: Beijing, China, 1963
Martial arts styles: Northern Chinese Wushu (being especially proficient in Changquan Northern Longfist Style) and Fanziquan (Tumbling Fist).

Li (not Lee), as an unfortunate casualty of communist upbringing, is precluded from further discussion.


4. Jackie Chan

Jackie Chan
Born: 1954, Hong Kong
Martial arts styles: Karate, Hapkido, Judo and Shaolin.

Credence to his ass-kickery:
1. He is the virtuoso of prop-fighting. No one individual can emulate his knack for finagling utterly any object around him into an unstoppable force.

Why he can't be GOAT:

Just like with Chuck, there has already been documented proof he can not hold his own against the magnificent one, Bruce Lee, behold:




Jackie Chan has yet to reach Nirvana

5. Jean Claude Van Damme
Born: Brussels, Belgium, 1960
Martial arts styles: Kickboxing, Taekwondo, Shotokan Karate and Muay Thai.

Jean Claude Van Damme I'm Looking Good:
1. JCVD was the man who brought kickboxing into the US mainstream
2. Muscles from Brussels: One-time "Mr Belgium" bodybuilder, and a black belt in karate.
3. Fighting under the name of Jean-Claude Camille François Van Vaerenbergh, he was a European kickboxing champion before he went to America.
4. Amazing 360 degree leaping kick
6. Brought to fruition one of the best movies of all time, Blood Sport
7. Next to Rocky Balboa, filmed some of the greatest training scenes captured in cinematic history
8. His splits. No man should be able to do what he does.


(Greatest dancing fighter in history)

AND

another all-time milestone



The only 4 letters worth remembering in the English alphabet:

J C V D

6.

Steven Seagal
Born: Michigan, U.S.A, 1952
Martial arts styles: Aikido, Karate, Judo, and Kendo.

The Seagal Way:
1. Outstanding at aikido, a seventh Dan black belt.
2. First non-Japanese aikido teacher to run a dojo in Osaka.
3. Steven's also pretty good at guitar (kind of), having released two albums with his band 'Thunderbox'.

Why he can't be GOAT:

Yes, another documented source, of one Goat losing to another:



Seagal, fail

7.
Tony Jaa
Born: February 5, 1976 in Surin province, Isaan, Thailand)
Fighting Styles: Muay Thai

Why we like him was explained in the last post, but further addendum:
1. Thai wunderkind is the New age Jackie Chan w/more bouncing and flipping
2. Why Americans can locate Thailand on a map before the iphone ... uh..actually...
3. Remains faithful, unlike another Thai-ger

You can never get enough of Tony Jaa videos though.





I've already given a biased account, and by now you should know who I would crown the GOAT. If not, a flying panda will ride a cloud to your abode and strike you twice with an ever-expanding bamboo stick.

- Asian Correspondent, here to provide a 'slant' on things